Fostering change
'People just know us as Stephen and Paul!'
Paul Bardin has been living in Carrickmacross, County Monaghan, with his husband Stephen and their three foster kids for the past 14 years.
Originally hailing from Dublin, the couple have been married for 20 years and moved to the quieter Monaghan countryside to raise their family.
“We’re proud enough to say I think that we are the only same sex couple in Cavan and Monaghan to do that,” which he said was “unbelievable in this day and age.”
“We’re honoured to currently hold that role,” he said, hoping there are more like them in the future.
Paul said there is a “long list” of reasons why he and his husband decided to foster kids. They have moved away from the “partying and struggling to pay rent” stage of life.
“We wanted a better life for ourselves in Monaghan.
“By moving here, it just gave us the opportunity to pass on a safe and secure home,” he explained, adding they “just wanted to give somebody an opportunity.”
“It’s all about opportunities with young people.”
He said the Carrickmacross community warmly welcomed the couple and their family.
“We never once put up a barrier or lied about who we are as a couple... that’s been really well received within our community.
“People just know us as Stephen and Paul because that’s who we are.”
Cavan & Monaghan Rainbow Youth
Despite living in what he describes as a “busy busy house,” Paul has taken over a managerial role at Cavan & Monaghan Rainbow Youth, an organisation that supports young people in the LGBTQ+ community.
“I’ve only taken over the role here within the last two months,” Paul said he has volunteered with the organisation since November 2019.
“The opportunity came up for me to take over there in April. . .I was like ‘why not?’”
He said working in the LGBTQ community in Cavan and Monaghan is “very different” to what he experienced in Dublin.
“In Dublin, everything is on your doorstep; whereas in Cavan and Monaghan, you have to fight to get that little bit further.”
He said the on-street visibility is “a lot more prevalent” in Dublin, which makes it easier to “spot people from your own tribe".
“You know where people are on a Friday night.. in Dublin it’s very obvious where you are but in Cavan you have to go looking.”
“It can definitely make it hard for people coming out,” he said, emphasising the importance in rural areas of groups such as Cavan & Monaghan Rainbow Youth to provide support.
He said young people usually come to the organisation through family, GP, school or Child and Adolescent Mental Health (CAMHS) referral.
“I’ve found with the young people I’ve interacted with, that the families have been accepting.” Paul believes that this is because they are speaking with someone “who can empathise with them as a parent.”
“It’s really all about building allies,” he said.
The organisation runs a parents' evening on the second Wednesday of each month, which gives parents a space to talk.
“Normally we pair off parents,” he said. They put a parent who is “super accepting” with another who is “struggling a bit.”
“They help each other,” he said.
Rainbow Youth also runs support groups in association with Transgender Equality Network Ireland (TENI) for people wishing to change gender.
'Transparency’ is a parent's support group, which meets on the last Wednesday of each month. Younger people, the ‘Transformers’ group, meet on the last Thursday of each month. More details can be found on Rainbow Youth’s Facebook page.
“There are supports available for people, it's just people need to open their eyes... You don’t know what you are looking for until you go looking for it,” he encouraged, urging people not to be afraid to reach out.
“I'm interacting with a lot of young transgender people,” he said. It was only when he took over Rainbow Youth that he became aware of these people.
“Within Cavan and Monaghan, there would be a big transgender community, which is refreshing to see.”
Judgement
Paul said judgement can be an issue, especially when living in a rural area.
“That’s the advantage I have,” he said, explaining that being from a different area, he doesn’t know the family history.
“I can’t judge, whereas people in small communities, they’re quick to judge... That is an issue.”
He said that this leads to thoughts such as 'I can’t do this'.
Paul said the best way to change this mindset is to involve the community in LGBTQ+ initiatives.
“I’m currently trying to get my local GAA club to raise the rainbow flag,” he said, hoping this will make the community more welcoming for the members.
“It’s here, it’s real and it’s happening, come and join us,” Paul urged.
To celebrate Dublin Pride Day on June 26, Rainbow Youth met at The Castleblaney Family Wellbeing Centre .
“Covid numbers have us under massive restrictions,” Paul said, meaning the event was by invitation only.
“It’s just a space for our young people to be free... It’ll be the first time some of our young people will actually get a chance to meet up.
“For a lot of these young people, it will be their first time out in public as a member of the LGBTQ+ community... We just want to create that space.”
Be kind
Paul encourages people to be kind.
“We can’t be something to everyone but we can be everything to someone,” Paul surmised.
He's encouraging people to be that one good person who makes a positive impact on somebody’s life.
“If I can just be an advocate for somebody, if I can just be that one good person, then I’m doing my job right,” he concluded.
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Cavan and Monaghan Education and Training Board celebrates PRIDE