Fitzpatrick's ten commandments for a better GAA

By Paul Fitzpatrick

Winter, as they say in Game of Thrones, ‘is coming’. Or, rather, winter is here. The clocks have gone back, the evenings are closing in and it’s time for the annual Airing of Grievances, as popularised by Seinfeld back in the 1990s. With the season more or less over, the provincial club championships and U21 competitions aside, here are some pet hates from the year gone by which I’d like to see banished by the time the ball is thrown in for 2027.

1. Cringeworthy retirement statements

They were bad enough when they were penned by the GPA. Now, these ChatGPT-infused monstrosities have taken things to another level.

Presumably retiring players see them as statesmanlike. Nobody simply hangs up the boots any more. They close chapters, talk about journeys and name-check everyone, all the while flirting with the sort of faux sincerity that would make a politician blush.

Yes, put out a short statement if you must but go easy on the overwrought rubbish. Retirement should be marked but not with a State of the Union address.

2. Corporate speak

There is no sporting cargo cult like Gaelic games and the rise in popularity of corporate twaddle is a fine example.

Managers are especially culpable. It’s all about “the piece” – the defensive piece, the off-season piece… the can’t-kick-snow-off-a-rope/couldn’t-train-ivy-up-a-wall piece tends not to be mentioned.

Clubs, even at junior level, now invite “expressions of interest” for managerial vacancies. If said manager oversees a few losses, they’ll take “the learnings” from it. And anyone who wins something is, of course, “humbled” – the obvious inference being they lacked humility in the first place.

Then again, it’s not about the team – it’s the group. And who cares about winning matches anyway when you’ve a process to follow?

3. The ridiculous week-long celebrations

The celebrations after winning a county final, in any grade, have reached peak stage. They now include a sort of mini national tour, with festivities stretching across most of the following week.

End to End is certainly not anti-alcohol but binge drinking on an industrial scale is better not encouraged, especially when every GAA club in Ulster is supposed to have appointed a Healthy Club Officer.

4. Managers and players poor-mouthing

Okay, so this one isn't really a modern trend – it's been here a good while at this stage – but what is wrong with expressing a little confidence?

Kingscourt manager Colin Kelly touched on it in his interview before the county final. “I don't see the point,” he said, “limping into a county final and saying, oh, you know, we're here, let's enjoy the day… It's a special day, special occasions (but) the reason we're here is because we're good.”

The Stars lost that game but so what? Kelly told the truth.

This wasn’t always the case. In 1962, the Irish Press sent the great Mick Dunne to Virginia to cover a training session before the All-Ireland semi-final between Cavan and Roscommon. Cavan captain Jim McDonnell was bullish about his team's chances, as he should have been – Cavan had just beaten the two-time defending All-Ireland champions in the Ulster final. “If Down had won the Ulster title they'd have been at least 3/1 on to win this game so we must have a 50/50 chance or better. Granted we get our share of luck, we'll win.”

Imagine a county captain saying that today. He'd be hauled before the management team and instructed never again to express an opinion that might be construed as confidence.

5. The loss of primacy of the PRO

There was a time when reports and notes were submitted to local papers by hand. The Celt employed typesetters, as I'm sure did the Northern Standard and other regional titles.

Social media, that cursed invention, did not exist, so to publicise their activities, clubs used the local press. The job of PRO, then, was given to someone reliable, who was a good communicator and, quite often, had a flair for writing, contributing to a sub-genre all of their own which was often hilarious.

Penning a concise match report can be tricky. As someone – Google tells me it is falsely attributed to Mark Twain - observed: “I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”

The old-school PROs could do it. Do the newer breed struggle with it? I don't know, because the vast majority don't see it as part of their role at all. The job has been reduced to social media only.

6. The GPA and the trade-union mentality

The way the GAA increasingly operates like a trade union whose job it is to extract the maximum from the powers that be.

In November 2019, the GPA published a report examining the pressures facing student inter-county players.

Some 54pc regularly felt overwhelmed by their commitments, 62pc struggled to balance those commitments and 65pc believed their training demands were adversely affecting their academic performance while only 35pc identified additional financial assistance for travel, accommodation and nutrition as their main priority.

A couple of years later, the GAA proposed paying expenses for a maximum of three training sessions per week. Given that the GPA's own research had highlighted excessive demands on players, this might have seemed a reasonable attempt to rein things in.

The GPA didn't see it that way, and the possibility of industrial action was quickly raised. Not to get all Reggie Kray about it but, for me, that's taking liberties…

7. Referees who wag their fingers

As a ref it’s not your job to look angry, nor are you there to chastise anyone. Just implement the rules, with neutral body language, and everyone will be happier.

This schoolmasterly approach drives players mad. The phrase is give respect, get respect – the emphasis should be on the first part and the second will look after itself.

8. Constant, relentless fundraising

It used to be for capital projects that clubs shook the bucket. Now, it's day-to-day running costs, which are clearly very high because the endless fundraising – which has been perfected to a fine art – enables reckless and feckless expenditure.

Fundraising is now an industry in itself and the reality is that it's a stealth tax which is driving an over-heating GAA economy.

9. AI posters

Yes, they’re handy. That's where the benefits end.

I get that amateur sports clubs may not have the budget to pay a graphic designer, but there are low-cost alternatives to producing the exact same thing we've seen a thousand times, advertising everything from table quizzes to tractor runs, dinner dances and fundraising raffles.

The juxtaposition of the same fonts – the blocky one and the scrawly one mainly, you’ve all seen them – and the usual icons of a calendar, a clock, a pen and so on. Enough!

10. Cranky columnists

As Bill O'Herlihy said, we'll leave it there so...