Daniel Downey relaxing in Crossdoney. Photos: Sheila Rooney.

‘You don’t have to be crushed by it’

Damian McCarney

Published: Fri 16 May 2014, 8:12 AM

Damian McCarney

“It was actually the night of my Leaving Cert results,” recalls Daniel Downey of the darkest night of his life, “August 18, 1999.”
Dejected at having fallen short of the grades he’d so desperately sought, Daniel chose to end his own life through an overdose.
“It was literally everything that was in the medicine cabinet. Everything that you could imagine - with a bottle of vodka. It was like Smarties into my mouth, and the vodka to drown it down. I was basically fading out; last thing I remember was vomiting.”
Death had been perilously close.
That was around 10pm; next morning, cue the worst hangover of Daniel’s teenage life.
“But the fact was - I woke up. That was the main thing,” he says, grateful his body had rejected the potentially-fatal cocktail.
“I was wondering, had I damaged my liver? Had I damaged my kidneys? But at the time I was so ashamed, I wouldn’t even go to a doctor to check that out, because if a doctor asked... why?
“It was 1999, okay suicide was in the news sometimes, but really people at that stage weren’t even talking about it.
“It’s the same as alcohol abuse, people need to start talking about it, and sharing their experiences so that people can realise, you don’t have to be ashamed, you don’t have to be crushed by it.”
From around the age of 15, a number of dark factors had aligned to gradually dim Daniel’s outlook.
“At the time there were terrible family issues, there was family fractures and alcoholism in and around the family at the time. A lot of young people don’t know how to process or deal with stress. I would have fallen out with friends - I would have been very rude, been very manipulative. So, I would have been playing mind games with them as well. So, eventually you just fall out with your friends.”
The one aspect of his life in which Daniel found self-worth was his studies.
“I was a bookworm. My academic life was pretty much everything. There was always pressure there to always be the best in that field.”
Most of that pressure came from within.
“It wouldn’t have necessarily come from family, although they would have been very proud of me doing well, but definitely it would have been the one thing I was always proud of myself; it would have been the highlight.”
When that highlight was removed, as a blinkered Daniel saw it, through disappointing grades, he was left questioning what was left?
“The academic side of things was really the straw that broke the camel’s back - and that was it, I snapped. I don’t want this experience.”

Time
Just as his descent into depression came over a sustained period, nurturing a more positive outlook took Daniel time too. “It took time,” he says. “It definitely took a long time.”
“The day after it wasn’t like an epiphany - I want to live - it wasn’t a movie thing. But it certainly felt like there’s more to it than this. Maybe there’s something I’m missing, maybe I haven’t experienced something yet, I’d never travelled, I’d never been in love, I’d never done any of those other things and thought, there’s always a chance to do those other things, that might change my perspective. It was the idea of having a new experience or having a different life.
“The life I’d had, I wanted out of it. The only option I saw to get out of it was to take everything in that medicine cabinet. Then I realised, ‘yes, I don’t like that life and I don’t want that life any more, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I have to step out of life itself. I can have a different life, I can change things’.”
Whilst Daniel was never diagnosed as depressed, he estimates a further two years passed before he could fully expel lingering thoughts of self-harm.
“I would still have had thoughts - I would still wonder should I have tried it again, but eventually you just come around.”
As it turned out, his Leaving Cert grades led Daniel into a course he found deeply rewarding, philosophy and psychoanalysis.
“You might not get your first choice but you may be very happy with your second, third, fourth or, like me, sixth choice.”
From there he had pursued meaningful voluntary experiences overseas, working in orphanages in Nepal, war zones in Burma, and refugee camps. In recent years he settled down to community development work back home in County Cavan, for which he won the national ‘Volunteer Ireland’ award last year.
“The most important thing was that I saw so many people much worse off than I had been when I was in my dark period, and they are fighting for life. I mean, they are grabbing for anything - any scrap of life. And they are happy. They are much happier than I was, with much less.
“Yet they could still go on, they could still struggle without a thought of ending it. That’s the kind of thing that made me think. Other people should realise you don’t know what’s around the corner. Anything could be around the corner.”

‘It’s worth hanging on’
This interview with the Celt is the first time that Daniel has spoken publicly of depression and suicide, and it comes as a surprise for such an upbeat individual. However, he has shared his experiences with those who he feels may benefit from an empathetic ear.
“The only people I would have possibly told are people who I would think, maybe, are going to consider suicide.
“You give advice and the first thing they would say is ‘What do you know?’ ‘I tried it myself.’
“You don’t want to talk down to people either, you want to get across to them: ‘I know where you’ve been, but hang on in there, give it a shot. Give it a few years, you know. Things might change, you might get out of it. And even if there’s a one per cent chance you’ll get out of it, it’s worth it. It’s worth hanging on.’ He was inspired to speak out when he encountered a middle-aged lady who had known a young man who recently took his own life. The lady couldn’t understand why the youth did it.
“[She was] bewildered. Totally bewildered. Why are people doing it? As if it’s a new disease that’s on the block. She was just confused, because it’s totally outside of her mindset. I was thinking, well if someone with that amount of life experience doesn’t understand, surely someone who’s young and feels they are in a trap can’t find the answers.”
He notes that there are charitable organisations such as SOSAD who can offer help. Ultimately, he urges anyone who is suffering from depression not to suffer alone. In helping themselves, they will also help change public perception.
“There’s still that shame element to it, that stigma. I would say that there’s still a lot of families out there, where if there is an attempted suicide, that they brush it under the carpet. But it’s important that you go and talk to somebody - anybody. It doesn’t matter who that might be. Or if you don’t, then at least just try to write it down. I found after I’d done it I started writing things down, and it helps.”
The Celt wonders aloud, ‘You’re fully expecting some dark days in the future?’
“Absolutely,” he says, but with an assurance that everything will be okay.
“It will always be with you. It’s like being an alcoholic. Once an alcoholic finishes drinking, they’ll always be an alcoholic. It’s the same way that I consider depression, I may have got over it. I may have a meaningful life; we always have it in us to feel to be depressed. So we’ve got to live with it sometimes.
“It’s all about perspective and if you can change your perspective that life isn’t meaningless or hollow, then you can walk out of that dark period and get back on your feet.”