Ruth Sheenan-McCabe holding photos of her late son Tomás (Mossie) and her late husband Sean McCabe both of whom died by suicide a decade apart.PHOTO: ALEX COLEMAN

‘Suicide and cocaine are the white elephants in the room’

By Michael Keaveny

A woman from Kingscourt has spoken about the lack of mental health services in Ireland and support for those bereaved by suicide. Ruth Sheenan McCabe’s husband Sean died by suicide in 2013, aged 44 years, and her son Tomás took his own life in December 2022, aged 21.

The grieving mum was among many who shared their stories from the floor of a public meeting in Virginia last Thursday night, organised in association with Pieta House.

Speaking to the Celt afterwards, Ruth spoke passionately about the need for more education in schools and different organisations in the areas of drug awareness and mental health.

“More needs to be done to give schools the resources to deal with mental health as well and to create more awareness. They need more counsellors to create extra awareness.

“It’s not good enough to have one day dedicated to mental health a year and to have a walk or cake sale dedicated to it. It needs to be part of the curriculum, where it’s taught every day.

“If things like healthy eating are part of a school programme, then having a healthy mind should also be taught.”

She revealed that first after turning to drink, her son Tomás had spiralled into cocaine addiction prior to his death. She shared her story with us.

Tomás, known as ‘Mossie’, was only 11 years when his father passed away, according to Ruth.

“People who die by suicide leave a print on the heart of the people who loved them. You do learn to live with it, but you never forget it and then you have to learn to deal with their death.

“It left a big print on Tomás. He was bright in school but was a wild soul. He left school early and went to work in roofing. He worked with his grandad hanging garage doors. He was very talented and only had to be shown something once and then he knew it.”

Tomás also loved farming and spent long periods helping his father farm.

“Not long before he died Sean hugged Tomás and thanked him for being such a good wee fella. Tomás persecuted himself for going to school. He felt he should have stayed at home to look after Daddy. It’s a horrible thing for a young boy to carry.”

Tomás abuse of alcohol and then later cocaine was hugely troubling for Ruth.

“A friend of his rang me to tell me he was doing cocaine. During 2020 and 2021, he stayed out drinking a lot, which was a gateway for him toward drugs. He started taking cocaine towards the end of 2020 and it came to my attention in early 2021. I asked him about it but he denied it, but I knew he was lying. It’s a terrible thing to come into any house. I tried testing him, but he bought urine and had it delivered to the top of the lane but, eventually, I copped onto it.

“In July ’21 he came to me and said he was struggling and I told him I’d get him help. He was an addict and was using it daily, just to get through the day. I was on eggshells around him because I was afraid of what he might do,” recalled his mum.

Ruth eventually managed to get Tomás to talk to someone about his situation, but he refused to address his drug problem.

“He went to the GP to talk about his depression but refused to talk about his cocaine because he was ashamed. He took anti-depressants and went to counselling. He had been to counselling after his father’s death but that was when I had control over him as a young teenager. He got very headstrong as he got older.”

The impact of Tomás’ death was devastating for Ruth and her children.

“His death was horrendous. Suicide cuts you to the bone. It’s the worst thing that can happen to a family. More needs to be done to educate children, If the gardaí showed young people in schools pictures of Tomás as a baby, his confirmation, his debs, his 21st birthday followed by his RIP.ie photo, then it could show the devastating impact drugs have on people. They don’t have a clue about what’s in it.”

Ruth also says drugs have taken a massive grip on communities around the country, including her own.

‘Fear’ of speaking out

“There’s a fear around speaking out about drugs. In Kingscourt, there’s a drug delivery service... People know what’s going on. The priest read out a piece that I wrote at Tomás’ funeral about the dangers of cocaine.

“There is a nest of drug dealers in Kingscourt and everywhere else in Ireland. Some of the dealers came to the funeral. There’s an epidemic of it at the minute. It’s nearly normalised for kids aged 15 plus to see. Suicide and cocaine are the white elephants in the room, we don’t talk about them enough.”

Going back to her husband’s death 10 years ago, Ruth revealed: “We were married in 2004 but around 2007 his coping mechanisms and personality started steering away from me. Four days out of the week I’d have him, other weeks I didn’t have him at all,” she said of her husband Sean.

A farmer, she revealed there were issues around land and Sean had experienced trauma as a child. “It all took a massive toll on him.”

As Sean’s troubles deepened, they began to put pressure on their marriage, according to Ruth. They separated in May 2012 but Ruth says she continued to try and get him the medical help and support he needed but says the services were too slow to act.

“The mental health services in Ireland are just disgraceful,” she said.

“We tried our best to get help for Sean. I took him to the doctor and they prescribed him pills. They told him it would take six weeks to kick in, which was the wrong thing to say to him, he was looking for a quick fix but it was almost a year after he died when we got a letter in the post for his counselling appointment...

“He wasn’t well, he had an undiagnosed condition. He needed a doctor or someone to call to his house.”

The current system for diagnosing mental health conditions needs to be addressed says Ruth.

“People are told to go to your GP. When people go into the GP, a psychiatrist or counsellor needs to be there in the GP office constantly. So when they go there, a qualified person can assess them and try to figure out a plan for diagnosing them...

“If I had arrived in with chest pain, I’d have been taken to the hospital and assessed immediately. Why is your brain and your mental health treated any differently? Why isn’t there adequate back up for doctors to deal with things like trauma as a child, marital issues, and financial issues, especially for men who have the courage to look for help? It’s not up to standard. If you’re in that mindset to go looking for that, brilliant! If you’re not in that mindset, and you are old school and old fashioned, then there’s great stigma attached and it needs to be made easier,” argued Ruth.

She also says personal issues piling up on a pre-existing condition put a severe strain on Sean’s mental health.

“He had an underlying horrific issue that was never dealt with it. This weight was on his back and it kept getting a bit added to it. It got heavier and heavier until it was too much.”

More needs to be done to assist those impacted by suicide, according to Ruth.

“You’re left in a mist, you’re left in a fog. There was no support from any organisation. Farm organisations have to do more. We get a newsletter from a major farming organisation and they mention mental health in one small square on it, it’s like saying a line because it has to be said, it’s a box-ticking exercise,” she continued.

It should also be treated in a similar way that other major life events are treated by society, according to Ruth.

“The school principal put us in touch with a suicide bereavement counsellor, but we would never have known if the school didn’t tell us.

“We should be automatically put in touch with suicide bereavement groups. They should come to us.

“A public health nurse checks on a baby after it’s born. There should be something that links in with people straight away for people who have been bereaved, we shouldn’t have to go looking for it.”

If you or a family member have been affected by any of the details in this story please contact:

SUPPORTS

You can also call the HSE YourMentalHealth Information Line, anytime day or night, for information on what other services and supports are available near you – Freephone 1800-111-888 or visit www.yourmentalhealth.ie

SOSAD

CAVAN

26 Bridge Street

H12 C9P7

049 432 6339

Cavan@sosadireland.ie

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DROGHEDA

30 Magdalene Street

A92 WK46

041 984 8754

Drogheda@sosadireland.ie

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DUNDALK

42 Jocelyn Street

A91 TE26

042 932 7311

Dundalk@sosadireland.ie

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NAVAN

15 Trimgate Street

C15 PT99

046 907 7682

Navan@sosadireland.ie

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KELLS

Carrick Street

A82 Y302

046 907 7682

Navan@sosadireland.ie

MONAGHAN

Unit 3 the Diamond

H18 YA33

047 723 75

Monaghan@sosadireland.ie

Samaritans

Samaritans services are available 24 hours a day, for confidential, non-judgmental support.

Freephone 116 123

Email jo@samaritans.ie

Visit www.samaritans.ie for more information

Pieta

Pieta provide a range of suicide and self-harm prevention services.

Freephone 1800 247 247 anytime day or night

Text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)

Visit www.pieta.ie for more information

Text 50808

A free 24/7 text service, providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support for people going through a mental health or emotional crisis.

Text HELLO to 50808, anytime day or night

Visit www.text50808.ie for more information