‘My brain versus reality’

- Daniela Ferro -

Sea Change Ambassador

I love my brain. It brings me through every single day. Ensuring that I walk, breathe, eat and feel whatever feelings a particular day may bring. It also writes precious memories into its storage, and it helps me writing this.

But there was a time where it turned on me and became my worst enemy. It did that by going into absolute overdrive and turning my whole life into fake news.

It started with not being able to sleep. Instead, I kept thinking. About everything and nothing. It felt like I was in a hamster wheel, without the possibility to stop.

I started making connections of random events in my life, while trying to understand the hidden agenda of whatever or whoever I thought was causing all this. Looking back at this time, I am amazed by my 18-year-old self, because despite what would happen over the next few months, I came through it - certainly bruised, battered, less innocent and a good bit more grown up. I would go on to live a “normal” life: Happily married, a four-year-old son, a very loud and fluffy Pomeranian called Taco. I work in a senior role in IT and love to knit, crochet and bake in my spare time. Thankfully I got here because, at some point in Germany in Spring 1999, it didn’t really look that well for me.

With the lack of sleep and an overpowering number of thoughts came fear, mistrust, feeling absolutely terrified by everything and anybody (including friends and family) and feeling followed. I started hearing things, I started seeing things and some of those things were cameras.

Very quickly my life felt like the Truman Show. Everything I heard, saw, felt, and experienced was 100% reality for me. What I didn’t know was how far I had drifted from reality, thanks to my brain.

I was able to hide it for a while, but it didn’t take long for it all to come crashing down on me, my family, and friends. When it all got too much, my Mam called our GP. She came, had a quick look at me and wrote a referral to mental health services for the next day.

The night was filled with terror. I saw a witch in front of the window. I saw a cast iron dog door stopper come to life. I heard all sort of voices and, at one stage, I saw a different person when I looked at my mother. She was in on this, and she wasn’t my Mam. She was an actress, just like everyone around me. My world had truly shattered into a million pieces.

She brought me to the hospital the next day to be admitted involuntarily to the closed ward.

My brain wrapped a lot of things that happened during my time there in blissful fog but what I do remember was scary and I know I still had no idea what was going on with me.

When I was released a few weeks later, I can now tell that I was faking my way out of it. I was still full of symptoms but, for me, it was reality and nobody around me seemed to notice.

Thankfully the local psychiatrist that worked with me explained that I had experienced an episode of a schizophrenic psychosis and what chemical reactions in my brain had caused it. Thanks to him, I didn’t have to go back into the hospital. It took a few months, but I managed to recover. My brain and me became friends again and reality was reality again.

I went on to study, build a career in IT, live in a few countries and travel to a good few more.

I now live for years with a diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I learned to live WITH it with the help of my GP and psychiatrist.

For me it’s just another chronic illness. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and I refuse to accept any stigma attached to mental illnesses. In the end, I am who I am because of all the things I went through, and I am for sure proud of the strong and resilient woman I became because of that.

SUPPORTS

If you, or someone you know needs support, you can find information on www.yourmentalhealth.ie

Text Hello to 50808 or Freecall Samaritans on 116 123 for a listening ear.