Johnny GAAHero: New selector shows he means business

Last year the club got in a young PE Teacher from Meath to manage the seniors. He had done that sports science degree in DCU and had also managed a club up there. Apparently he played a shtint under Sean Boylan, but a gammy hip ended his career. On his first night down he used a slideshow and handouts to illustrate his general strategy for the year. He was a confident and refined-looking individual and wouldn't look out of place in a Coldplay video; very much like a young Paidi O Se. We were introduced to the world of percentage body fat, core work, fast twitch muscles and training methods which pro-actively prevent injuries. This was good stuff; even the three county boys gave self-important nods of approval throughout. It was a new dawn for the club. At tea break the young gun chatted with the county players and nosey members of the club committee who were asked not to attend. When we regrouped he read aloud famous motivational speeches by Heffo, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan and others. You could sense positivity in the room - YES WE CAN! He was fully convinced that we could compete for a Senior Championship. A call had been put into Mickey Harte, and he would be taking us for a few sessions around May. Things were taking a turn for the better and you could see lads were responding. New guy: "I have the full backing of your club committee and we intend to pull out all the stops and make this a professional set-up. I want you guys to respond accordingly! Do you have anything further to add John?" John! Who was John? We all turned together and there he was, leaned over a table, gnawing lumps out of his nails and staring out from under his considerable eyebrow, Johnty Sheils. Let me tell you about Johnty 'Guantanamo' Sheils. Johnty doesn't drive a car, he drives a teleporter, everywhere. He's the most cultureless, ignorant and sadistic individual in the whole county and has had enough run-ins with the County Board to keep the CCC in business for a year. This is the same head banger who once tried to organize a challenge match between our U-14's and the a local senior team. The club committee in their infinite wisdom had appointed 'John' as selector to this new ray of hope. Guantanamo: "all this Barrack Habana chat is all well n' good, but I've a few things ta say. Numbar Wan - no ball until May. Numbar Two - no more injuries. "We had two so-called players missing all of last year with crucial ligaments. "Numbar thureee; no more pop music concerts, yiz may forget about that..." To be continued...